


Snapshots

by turps



Category: BSB, NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-07
Updated: 2011-05-07
Packaged: 2017-10-19 02:51:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turps/pseuds/turps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick grows up and things change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snapshots

**Author's Note:**

> Written for DWNAGA 2003

It is only a fleeting glance, but it´s enough to pique Nick´s curiosity. Shifting in his seat, he looks at the doorway Joey´s just disappeared into, debating whether he can sidle away himself. Nick´s bored and restless. It feels like he´s been sitting in this hard plastic chair for months with nothing to do but listen to a bunch of people drone on about sets and song lists. Personally he doesn't understand why they have to do this concert. They have a hit album already and plenty of fans of their own without sharing a show with other bands, especially ones with names like Funky Diamonds. When Nick asked, Howie spouted some PR bull about inter-band relations and promotion while behind him Kevin muttered about needing to be there to make the *Nsync losers look good.

The memory of Kevin and Chris´ barely suppressed hostility at the morning meeting keeps Nick amused for a few minutes before he starts shifting in his seat again. Looking over at the doorway he wonders where Joey has gone and if he can follow him. Joey´s cool, he tells Nick dirty jokes and always seems to have a smile on his face, unlike the rest of his band who look at Nick with expressions ranging from indifference to scorn. The doorway leads to the warren of corridors behind the stage and Nick imagines Joey hiding back there. The way he quietly walked past their group suggested something interesting. Maybe he´s gone to read porn or smoke or a thousand other cool Joey things.

Unable to stay still any longer, Nick looks at Kevin, debating if he can sneak out. It seems hopeless until the magic words "*Nsync" are uttered and Kevin´s attention focuses totally on the stage manager. Taking the opportunity, Nick mumbles he´s going to the bathroom and casually walks away, trying not to laugh at the expressions of frustration on AJ and Brian´s faces. He knows they want to leave too, but they´re not girls. Going to the bathroom is not a group activity. If Nick hadn´t used this excuse they would have. He got in first, that´s all.

It feels good to be moving. Nick´s so full of energy sometimes that all he wants to do is jump and sing, run and dance. It´s why he likes performing so much; he´s not a natural dancer but loves to do it anyway, letting his energy burn with each step. Walking is a poor substitute but he´ll take anything just now, especially if he can catch Joey doing something he shouldn´t.

Looking back to make sure no one´s watching, Nick veers away from the door that leads to the bathrooms and goes through the one where he saw Joey instead. As he expects, it leads to the backstage area and Nick tries to think where an *Nsyncer would hide. Doors are scattered along the corridor at regular intervals and Nick slowly walks past, listening for any sounds that could be made by Joey. He hears nothing at first, just his own footsteps echoing in the still air. A door that is open just a little catches Nick´s eye. He hears the sound of movement and carefully eases the door open, hoping to see Joey smoking, or if he´s really lucky, looking at some of the porn collection he says he has.

It is porn, but not the way Nick expects. Joey is backed against the wall, eyes screwed closed as someone enthusiastically sucks his dick. Shocked, Nick watches as Joey pants, hands clenching the hair of the person blowing him. It´s not that Nick hasn´t seen people have sex before, he´s seventeen, he´s had blow jobs. But he´s never seen anything like this, one man going down on another, and he´s certainly never seen JC Chasez sliding wet lips up and down Joey´s dick. JC´s cheeks are hollow as he sucks, his hands holding Joey´s thighs in a white-knuckled grip, his eyes closed as he matches his pace to Joey´s groans. It´s a raw scene and Nick can´t help watching.

He licks his lips, and reaches blindly for the wall with one hand. Nick knows he should look away, but can´t seem to move. He needs to watch but also knows how wrong it is to do so, but that makes it even better somehow, that he´s witnessing something forbidden and private. Joey suddenly groans and Nick almost joins him. The sight of big strong Joey Fatone unravelling under JC´s touch is a potent one and Nick examines every inch of him, committing the scene to memory. When he sees Joey´s bottom lip, slightly bitten and damp, Nick almost groans again and takes an involuntary step forward, hand reaching towards the door before he checks himself. They don´t want or need him in there, and Nick doesn´t want to be in there either.

He just wishes he could believe that as he forces himself to walk away.

~*~*~*~

The Pop Explosion concert goes perfectly that night and Nick smiles automatically when Joey grins and waves hello. He doesn´t tell anyone what he saw or the fact it becomes his favorite jerk-off fantasy for the next few weeks.

~*~*~*~

They´re next scheduled to meet at a charity basketball game. Nick´s looking forward to seeing his family and playing ball but he doesn´t know how he´ll react when he sees Joey and JC. The scene he witnessed is burned into his mind and when he´s alone Nick finds himself remembering certain things over and over. The way Joey was biting at his lip, the sounds JC made as he sucked, lewd sounds that Nick tries to imitate by sucking at his own fingers. Lately the breasts and curves of the blondes Nick used to beat off to have been replaced by thoughts of wet lips and throaty groans. The sex he remembers is intense and dirty and Nick doesn´t know if he´ll be able to look JC and Joey in the eye.

It´s awkward at first. Nick stays close to Kevin as they walk into the stadium, blushing a little when he sees Joey sitting high in the bleaches talking to Lance. For a moment he sees Joey, pants down, thrusting into JC´s mouth. Then the memory is pushed away as Joey laughs, and he´s not sensual anymore, he's just Joey  their so-called competition. Relieved, Nick smiles as Joey waves to indicate he should come sit with them. Seeing the others have wandered off to do their own thing Nick goes over, taking a seat next to Lance, who smiles and lets Joey lead the conversation.

Hey, Carter. You ready to get your ass kicked?’

In your dreams, Fatone.’ Tucking up his legs until they rest comfortably on the chair back in front, Nick indicates the court with a sweep of his hand. You´re going to get creamed out there. I mean, who´ve you got for your team? Chris is a midget, JC´s a klutz and no offence but I´ve heard about Bass and you, I doubt you could make a basket between you all. As for Justin, his head´s so inflated he won´t see the hoop.’

There´s no malice in the insults and Joey laughs as he looks at Lance. I think you´ll be surprised, especially since we have a secret weapon.’ Lance grins, obviously knowing something Nick doesn´t but Nick just waits it out, knowing they´ll share the joke. Sure enough, seeing Nick isn´t about to beg, Joey tells what he knows. It looks like you´re not the only one to think that, we´re going to have a swap. Lance here is going to be on your team.’

Nick tries to be tactful, but the groan slips out anyway. Embarrassed, he´s about to say sorry but stops when Joey and Lance break into laughter. Joey is shaking, eyes screwed shut as he keeps stuttering, Your faceyou should have seen it,’ between fits of giggles. Lance isn´t much better as he tries to muffle his own deep laughter, holding a hand over his mouth as his cheeks turn bright red. It should have been annoying, Nick hates to be laughed at, but Lance is laughing at himself too, so he lets it go, and eventually can´t help smiling too.

What´re you laughing at?’

JC is standing in the row below, looking up and grinning at them all. His lips are dry, stretched in a huge grin and Nick´s relieved that this JC is normal too. As Joey starts to explain the joke Nick watches JC, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles and how he just smiles wider when Joey tells him that he was called a klutz. This JC is nothing like the one in Nick´s fantasies, and he starts to think that maybe he´s made things more than they were.

They talk a while, JC sitting backwards on the chairs below, chin resting on his hand as they trade insults and talk macho bullshit that none of them believes. Nick begins to doubt his memory even more. JC and Joey don´t look like they´re together, and he´s just about to declare himself insane when Joey stands and stretches, peering down at the court below.

Hey, there´s Kevin. Want to go tell him you´re on his team, Bass?’ Joey has a sly look on his face and Lance hesitates a moment before he smiles too, a wide smile all teeth and blinding whiteness, and Nick knows he´s about to enjoy the coming conversation.

Sure.’ Smile still wide, Lance starts down the steps and Joey begins to follow, stopping to let JC go down first. Starting to stand, Nick drops back in his seat as he sees Joey´s hand linger on JC´s back, his fingers burrowing under the shirt material and staying there. When JC and Joey reach floor level, Joey moves his hand, squeezing JC´s fingers for a moment and smiling before running across to where Lance is standing with Kevin.

The touch is brief but strangely more intimate than the last time Nick saw them together And for the first time in his life Nick wonders if sex is everything after all. Before deciding that yes, it really is.

~*~*~*~

The game itself is fun, full of blatant fouls and bad sportsmanship that´s forgotten within minutes. Chris kicks Kevin in the ass, and Lance shows just how bad he really is, but he´s so happy in his ineptitude that no one cares. Nick has a blast playing even though he forgets to high five his team and doesn´t make any baskets. He´s just enjoying himself. The fans are enthusiastic and he loves all the running and jumping, especially when he manages to knock Justin to the ground. The fact he´s on the winning team doesn´t really matter, though he enjoys crowing about his gold medal. Later, when Joey grabs him and JC, jumping them around in circles, Nick can´t help leaning into them, enjoying the feel of hot sweaty skin against his arms, and he smiles a little when Joey lets his hand linger on JC´s shoulder, fingers stroking tiny circles as they smile at one another. It's a moment of stillness that Nick feels privileged to witness.

Then Aaron runs over and Joey sweeps him up, leaving Nick holding onto JC, and JC grins and hugs him, surrounding Nick with sweat slick limbs and golden skin. Nick hugs back then yelps as Brian grabs him from behind, dragging him into a conga line. As he´s towed round the court all Nick can think of is Joey, and how good it had felt to be in his arms, however briefly.

~*~*~*~

Nick sees them next in a 24hour convenience store with a name he can´t pronounce. It´s late at night and Nick´s on a candy run with Kevin, stocking up on cheap soda and chips that they´ll sneak into their hotel room. Earlier Kevin called a "Backstreet Night" and the others all agreed, shelving any prior plans in favor of a night huddled together under thin blankets while watching dubbed movies and eating junk food. Sometimes, Nick hates how Kevin babies him, at other times he relishes it. Not that he says so but he figures Kevin knows anyway. It´s hard sometimes, being on tour and missing his family so badly, but he´s been raised to be a Carter, to keep on performing despite the pain. Nick tries so hard, but sometimes it gets too much, and at those times it´s Kevin that catches him.

Nick didn't mean to cry when he hung up on Aaron -- he was the grown up one. The one following his dreams, but as the dial tone buzzed in his ear all Nick wanted to do was go home. He wanted his mom, and said so as Kevin pried the receiver from his hand then gathered him in a hug. Cuddled close, Nick let the tears flow, not caring how he must look. Eventually, when all he could produce was sniffles and hiccups, Kevin pulled back; gently drying Nick´s face with the sleeve of his own shirt before declaring tonight would be a "Backstreet Night.’ When told the others agreed immediately, and Nick even managed to convince himself it wasn´t because he looked like a washed-out red-eyed baby. Instead they pooled their money and Kevin threw a coat at Nick before they set off for the nearest store.

Once there Kevin pushes a basket into Nick´s hands, leaving him to pick the food while he goes to compare the price of beer against the money they have available. Nick feels warm in his jacket and undoes the zipper as he stares at shelves full of candy. He recognizes some from the wrappers, familiar brands in disguise, and he peers at the price stickers, trying to convert the price in Deutschmarks to Dollars. About to call Kevin, Nick stops when he hears familiar voices. Grinning, he heads toward the next aisle then stops when he sees JC and Joey.

They´re standing side by side. Joey´s hand is resting casually on JC´s lower back and JC is holding a packet in the air, laughing as he tries to read the instructions. JC´s eyes are screwed up a little as he squints at the small words .Joey joins in the laughter when JC pulls a small English-German dictionary from his coat pocket and searches through it. They laugh even more when JC manages to gasp that the condoms are labelled extra small and begins to put them back, before Joey stops him, saying that they´ll be perfect for Chris. Giggling at the implied insult, JC drops the packet into the basket Joey holds and picks up another packet, looking at his dictionary before declaring they´re extra large and perfect. Joey blushes a little at that, and casually kisses the top of JC´s head before grabbing his hand, pulling him toward the front of the shop and away from where Nick is standing at the end of the aisle, partially hidden by a pyramid of toilet paper rolls.

Nick wants to follow, catch up and say hi, but he can´t seem to move. JC and Joey are happy, Nick can see that with every gesture, and Nick´s jealous. He doesn´t know why he´s jealous, he just knows his is, and scowls unhappily.

You okay?’ Kevin´s standing behind him. Nick doesn´t turn but knows he´s there even before Kevin speaks. Nodding, Nick turns and plucks the beer from Kevin´s hand, putting it in his basket before walking back to the candy bars. Grabbing handfuls at random, he drops them next to the beer and Kevin adds chips and soda until the basket is full.

When they go to pay JC and Joey have gone and Nick challenges Kevin to a race back to the hotel, digging at Kevin´s competitive nature. It feels good to run, and as Nick sprints along the sidewalk he laughs as all thoughts of home and loneliness are pushed aside  for now at least.

~*~*~*~

*Nsync stay in Germany and Backstreet go on tour. Nick tries to pretend that he doesn´t miss seeing them around. He also tries to pretend he didn´t buy a copy of a magazine that has an *Nsync article inside, or that he looks at the magazine most nights as he quickly jerks himself off. He keeps the magazine under his dirty laundry, hidden away from prying band mates who would tease and torment about him having a crush, especially if they knew it was on Joey Fatone.

The feelings he has for Joey are special, and Nick guards them jealously. There´s little that he can call his own. Every moment of his life is shared, either with the public or the other guys. His life is laid out for everyone to see. Nick tells of his favorite colors and food, his hopes and dreams. He sings on stage, grinning as his name is shrieked back at him, and is photographed in a thousand different situations. He´s captured on film when he´s happy and when he´s sad. When he looks fantastic and when he looks like crap. He shares a room every night and eats every meal as part of a group. Privacy is rare so when he can have a secret he likes to hold it to himself, lie in his bed just thinking about something that´s just his, that has nothing to do with the group.

Daytimes are so busy that Nick can´t think and he looks forward to the time he can be alone in bed, free to think about Joey. Nick remembers how Joey´s hand felt on his arm and the way his smile lights up his whole face. It´s not just the sex he sees anymore, though that memory is burned in his mind. It´s everything, how Joey laughs, the way his muscles flex as he walks. The way he sees everyone as a friend, and the way he loves JC. Nick wants to be loved like that -- wants Joey  but all he can do is buy magazines, carefully cutting out each tiny clip about *Nsync and placing them at the bottom of his case.

Nick buys countless magazines over the next few months. He treasures each picture and creates his own little fantasy world where Joey is his, not JC´s. He builds a life with them together and as the months speed past Nick´s fantasies became more elaborate and complex. During the day he´s Nick Carter, Backstreet Boy, a star in the making. At night he´s just Nick, who likes to sit with his feet on Joey´s lap as they watch TV and eat popcorn and chips.

Cocooned in his own safe world Nick thinks no one can destroy it. He´s wrong.

Tired after a concert, Nick´s in the shower, letting hot water pour over his shoulders. Head bowed under the spray he hears someone entering his hotel room, then Brian shouts, "It´s just me," so Nick stays where he is, letting the water soothe his aching body. Quickly washing his hair, he leaves the stall and wraps himself in his favorite robe, feeling fresh for the first time in hours. He plans to order room service then see if one of the others wants to watch a movie with him. What he doesn´t expect is to walk into the main room and see Brian sitting on the floor, Nick´s *Nsync collection around him, one magazine held in his hand.

Brian says nothing, just looks from Nick to the magazine and that makes it worse somehow. Nick´s frozen as he sees precious fantasy start to crumble because now that someone else knows, it isn´t just Nick´s anymore. It changes everything.

You got something you want to tell me?’

Mute, Nick watches as Brian put the magazine on top of the pile of others, then stands up to sit on the bed. The one positive is Brian isn´t laughing, but the curiosity is almost as bad. Frantically thinking of ways to explain, Nick grabs for anything that seems plausible.

I´ve been collecting them for a joke. You know, for Kevin. Can you imagine his face if he wakes up to an *Nsync magazine on his bed every morning?’

For a moment Nick thinks Brian believes him. But it´s only for a moment.

I thought we were friends.’ Nick starts to move forward at the tone of Brian´s voice, wants to grab for him and tell him that they are friends, best friends, starts to take a step forward when Brian goes on. I thought you told me everything.’

That´s what stops Nick in his tracks, because he does tell Brian everything, except this. This is the one thing that was his, and now he has to explain and it´ll become just one more thing he has to share. But Brian´s his friend, and he has to try and explain somehow, he owes him that much at least.

I do, just not this.’ Brian looks unconvinced and Nick doesn´t blame him. Feeling exposed and embarrassed, Nick looks for something to wear, muttering thanks when Brian throws a pile of clothes toward him. Pulling the t-shirt over his head he blurts out, I like Joey.’ Taking longer than he should to push his head through the hole and arrange the t-shirt to his liking, Nick looks up briefly before stepping into underwear and shorts. When he looks up again Brian is looking at him, but instead of shock or anger all Nick can see is compassion and it´s all he can do not to stalk back to the bathroom and hide.

Joey Fatone?’ The question is hypothetical and Nick doesn´t answer, just scrapes at the fabric of his bedspread with his fingernail as Brian watches him. I don´t know what to say.’ The thought of Brian lost for words amuses Nick and he almost smiles as Brian stares at the floor, seemingly seeking inspiration.

You´re not shocked?’

Sharply looking up, Brian seems surprised that Nick had even asked. About what?’

That I have a thing for Joey.’

No. No, I´m not shocked at that. Maybe a little about who you picked, but the fact it´s a man, no. Did you really think I would be?’

And that´s the thing. Nick knew that Brian wouldn´t be shocked about the guy thing. How could he be in the world that they lived in? The times they´d laughed as Kevin snuck away with dark-eyed men, returning dishevelled and wetlipped, or Howie talked with his latest "friend" on his cell. Brian wouldn´t be shocked or judge him harshly and Nick knew that. He just wanted something of his own.

Hell no, I knew you´d be okay with that. I mean the Joey thing.’

Brain laughs a little. That you´ve a thing for a member of the opposition. I can´t say it´s not a surprise but shocked, no. Joey´s a good guy.’

He is. He´s always been friendly and have you seen him? He´s built.’ It feels good to talk about Joey and Nick feels the words bubbling up inside him, then stops as he sees Brian is distracted, obviously wanting to say something. So what is it Brian? Are you going to tell me he´s too old or what?’

You know he´s with JC, right?’ Brian looks like it hurts to say the words, fixing Nick with a steady stare. Nick feels sick as the last of his fantasy world shatters, leaving splinters that jab at his emotions.

You knew?’

I thought everybody did. They´ve been together since the start of *Nsync. It´s not that they´re that discreet either, at least at certain times. Most people have walked in on them at one time or another.’ Blushing a little, Brian moves to sit next to Nick, resting his hand against Nick´s leg. I thought you knew.’

Well I know now, don´t I?’ Pushing Brian´s hand from his leg, Nick moves away. He feels empty inside, a hollow space where his fantasy life with Joey used to be. It´s not that he didn´t know that Joey had been with JC. He just didn´t want to think about it, and now Brian´s brought the whole thing into the open. What were you doing in my suitcase anyway? You´ve got no right to be going through my stuff.’ It´s easier to let anger take over. Anger doesn´t hurt, and despite knowing that Brian has done nothing wrong Nick glares at him across the bed.

I was looking for my sweater, you borrowed it last night. I didn´t think you´d mind.’

Brian´s right, normally Nick wouldn´t mind. But tonight he´s walking a thin line emotion-wise and he barely controls the anger that threatens to take over. Going to his case and kicking it open, Nick throws clothes to the floor, grabs the sweater and throws it to Brian. Here. Take it. Now I´m tired so I´ll see you tomorrow."

Ignoring the hurt look on Brian´s face, Nick switches on the TV and crawls into bed.

Nick, I´m’

Just go, Brian.’ Relieved, Nick sinks back against the pillows as the door closes and he´s alone in the room. Joey will never be his and despite telling himself Joey was never his in the first place it still hurts, and once more Nick´s alone.

~*~*~*~

Nick mopes for the next few weeks, but his life is nothing but a never-ending whirl of work and soon he remembers the crush as just one more thing that was taken from him, removed with his privacy and childhood. He sees *Nsync at times, both casually and formally. They sing together at award shows and Nick tries to ignore the way Brian watches him when he sees Joey and JC together. Nick wants to shout and scream, "It´s okay. I know he´s taken." But Brian´s his friend. So he stifles the words and plasters on a smile, pretending that it doesn´t hurt when Joey casually strokes JC´s arm as they sit crammed together in an easy chair or that his stomach doesn´t jolt when JC gently kisses Joey´s head when he stands up.

Pretending is something Nick´s perfected over the years and it becomes second nature to pretend that he´s okay. To grin as interviewers ask personal questions, and to be Nick Carter, teen heartthrob to the thousands of people that scream his name. When he´s performing Nick loves his life and embraces it fully, but when he´s alone he longs for what he doesn´t have. He wants someone that loves him unconditionally, who sees Nick, not the shiny gloss of stardom. He wants what JC and Joey have, a loving exclusive relationship, so Nick tries to get it the only way he knows how, by dating as often as he can, men and women, hoping one day to find that special someone. It´s a plan that´s doomed to failure, and Nick knows that. But when he´s held by some nameless body, their lips hot against his skin, it´s easier to forget how lonely he is. He may not be able to have love, but he can have lust -- and he does.

~*~*~*~

Backstage at the Teen Choice Awards, Nick feels disconnected from the people surrounding him, isolated in his own little bubble. He´s hot, sweaty and just wants to go home. The problem is he doesn´t know where that is anymore. Tonight he´ll be sleeping at a five star hotel with Aaron; they´ll eat junk food and watch bad TV curled together on one bed. Nick loves times like that, when his brother´s touch breaks through the loneliness a little.

It seems everything in Nick´s life is collapsing round his ears. AJ is in rehab, facing his demons, while the rest of them fight their own battles -- guilt, fear and the sharp pain of knowing how close they came to disaster. Nick´s only twenty-one but at times he feels triple that, weighed down by commitments and responsibilities that seem never ending. He remembers when this used to be fun, when they sang because they wanted to and laughed just because. Now Kevin tortures himself with what-if´s and Howie tries too hard to fix things that can´t be repaired. Brian spends all his time on the phone with Leighanne, taking comfort in her words while Nick himself copes by trying to block it all out. If he parties he doesn´t think, and if he doesn´t think he doesn´t feel.

Aaron´s nowhere to be seen. Nick looks for somewhere to sit and kick back for a while, then smiles a little when he sees Chris Kirkpatrick rushing towards him. Expecting a friendly insult, Nick´s surprised when Chris gathers him into a hug, saying how sorry he is about AJ and is Nick okay? Instinctively, Nick hugs Chris back, holding himself tight at first before relaxing and allowing his body to press against Chris´. He´s smaller than Nick and his hair spikes Nick´s chin but for the first time in days Nick feels comfort and it takes all of his willpower not to cling on and never let go.

Nick.’

Something touches his back and Nick looks up to see the rest of *Nsync. Chris steps away and one by one the others hug Nick too, words whispered in his ears as he´s held close. Joey and JC move in for a double hug, surrounding him like they did years before at the basketball game. Joey ruffles Nick´s hair while JC tells Nick how strong AJ is, how he´ll be fine eventually. They're the same words that countless others have said, but surrounded as he is, Nick allows himself to believe for the first time.

Nick feels cold again when they step away as Security announces that *Nsync have to leave. Chris shouts goodbye before running after Lance who is running after Justin, and Nick laughs as they end up crushed together in the doorway. JC and Joey stand close, fingers brushing together as they say goodbye. With a last quick hug they move toward the others, hips bumping as they walk, Joey´s arm slung across JC´s shoulders. They look happy and Nick´s glad, but he´s also jealous and as Aaron shouts his name he aches to have his own special someone. If only he knew where to find them.

~*~*~*~

Hot, bothered and grumpy, the last person that Nick wants to see is JC. But as he looks for a table JC waves him over with a smile. JC is sitting at a small table at the side of the sun terrace under a large yellow sun umbrella that gives his skin a strange luminous tint. A book is held open with a cell phone and a glass of something clear is in front of JC as he waves again, revealing a small slither of tan skin between his pants and shirt. JC is all grace as he reaches for Nick´s bags and motions toward a seat and Nick feels huge and awkward as he sits. He´s hyper aware of the beads of sweat on his forehead and the way his t-shirt clings to him in places, evidence of hours shopping in the sun.

Here, have a drink.’ JC slides his glass across the table and laughs as Nick hesitates. It´s safe, I promise; I haven´t put something in it. I leave that stuff to Chris and Justin.’

Taking JC at his word Nick takes the drink, but still discreetly sniffs before taking a sip. Years of living with AJ and Brian have taught him to be wary of unsealed drinks, sometimes his stomach still cramps when he sees Mountain Dew after a memorable incident involving crushed laxatives and two hours on a hotel toilet. The drink seems safe so Nick takes another sip, then a longer drink of ice cold lemonade as JC signals to a hovering waiter.

Can we have two more of those, please? That okay with you, Nick?’

Sure.’

Do you want something to eat? They do a fantastic shrimp salad or they could make you a burger or something’

I´m good, but thanks.’ Nick shifts a little in his chair, rubbing under the waistband of his shorts with fingers cold from holding the lemonade.

Too hot for you?’

If JC had asked ten minutes before Nick would have snapped at the stupidity of the question. As it is the frustration of shopping in the midday sun is receding, so all he does is unashamedly take another long swallow of JC´s drink before answering.

I´m used to it. I just don´t like shopping when it´s this hot. I´d rather be doing something fun, you know like sailing or swimming, not looking for something for Howie´s birthday. It´s not like he needs anything either. You don´t want to know how many shops I´ve been in.’

You should try buying for Justin.’ JC´s widens his eyes in mock horror and Nick laughs, knowing JC understands how hard it is to buy for the man who has everything.

The waiter arrives with their drinks and Nick drinks his half down in one long gulp. His teeth hurt and he belches loudly, blushing until JC takes a huge drink too and matches him belch to belch. People are looking from nearby tables but JC and Nick just crease up laughing, looking at one another and laughing again and again until at last they sit red faced and grinning like loons.

Joey taught me how to do that. He used to buy the cheapest gassiest soda and make us drink it. Then we´d have belching contests. Justin used to bitch because he always lost.’

Yeah? We did that too. Kevin´s a master belcher.’

Kevin? Kevin Richardson?’

Yep. Our Kev. Surprised?’ It´s a loaded question and Nick knows it. He tries to stay solemn faced as JC searches for a way to be diplomatic then gives in as JC starts to wave his hands as he attempts to explain himself. No, it´s cool. Kevin´s a good guy, just a bit straight laced at times. But tell me about you guys, I hear enough about mine.’

JC takes the out for what it is and launches into a story about Chris, Lance, a stuffed snake and a bag of overripe mangoes that has Nick laughing out loud within minutes. JC´s storytelling sucks, he goes off on a tangent almost constantly but Nick doesn´t care. Just laughs and makes agreeing noises as JC mimics Joey slipping on the mangoes and the way Justin screeched when he found the snake in his bed. JC´s eyes are almost hidden as he smiles, and Nick has to smile too, and prompts for more details and laughs until his stomach muscles hurt and tears fill his eyes.

JC laughs too then suddenly stops, fixing Nick with a look. It´s good to see you smile again.’

Smile faltering a little, Nick taps his fingers against the table top, beating out a rhythm as JC waits. I smile.’

On the surface maybe, I know what a stage smile looks like and you´ve been wearing one for too long now. I´ve seen you, and it´s like, you´re there but not there. Do you see what I´m saying?’

Nick should have known JC would see past the performance, he´s a stage kid too and it´s easy to see beyond the pasted-on performance smile if you know what to look for. I´m fine.’ Seeing JC is about to protest, Nick holds up his hand in a stop gesture. Wait. I´m fine. I wasn´t for a while, with the whole AJ thing and the hiatus, then I got arrested and it was this huge mess. It´s getting better now. I love working on solo stuff and the others are fine.’

That´s good.’ JC looks happier and Nick´s pleased to see him smile again. You know, if you ever want to, and I know you have a lot of friends, but if you like I´m here if you need to talk.’ JC pulls a sharpie from his bag and scribbles a number on a napkin and passes it over. Call me, anytime.’

Carefully folding the napkin, Nick pushes it into his pocket. Even if he never phones, the fact he can makes him feel good. It´s the first time that he´s ever spent quality time alone with JC, and Nick can see why Joey loves him so much. But thinking of Joey makes Nick feel disoriented for a moment, a brief sense of wrongness that he´s sitting here with JC without Joey being somewhere nearby.

Will Joey be waiting for you?’ Nick has to ask, to show that he knows and is cool, but it appears he knows nothing.

Joey?’ JC seems puzzled and Nick feels foolish until JC´s face clears and he laughs a little. You´re out of the loop, man. We´re not together now; he´ll be with Kelly, I guess.’

Nick feels awkward and takes a drink of his soda despite it being little more than melted ice cubes now. I´m sorry.’ It´s lame but it´s all he can think to say.

No. Don´t be. I mean, yeah, I loved him but we´d drifted apart, you know. I still love him, just not that way.’

JC´s words don´t make sense to Nick. Joey and JC love each other; he´s seen it with his own eyes over and over, and JC doesn´t seem unhappy at all. I thoughtit´s just you were together so long.’

I know.’ For a moment Nick sees the sadness in JC as he looks away. That was part of the problem, you know. We were like, so young when we started fooling around. Then we fell in love, and it was great. We thought we´d be together forever, but, it´s just, things change. People change. I´m not the same person I was then and neither´s Joe. We just drifted apart I guess, there was no big bust up or anything.’

Unsure what to say, Nick twists his glass in his hands and wishes he was better with words. But he isn´t so just decides to be honest. I don´t know what to say. I don´t think I´ve met anyone that just falls out of love.’

JC laughs a little and points to himself. Well you have now, but don´t get the wrong idea. I still love him, just not in that way.’

’But you´re okay? You´re happy, right?’

It´s suddenly important to Nick that JC is happy. He´s thought of him and Joey as the ultimate couple for so long that Nick can´t bear the thought of JC being sad and alone.

I´m fine. Really, Nick, I´m like, the happiest man alive. I love my job and the people I´m with, and sure sometimes I miss Joey but it´s not like he´s gone anywhere. He´s just there. I´m good, really.’

Nick wants to believe him and JC smiles again as he starts to gather his belongings, signalling for the bill. Oh man, I really have to go. I´ve got to mingle with the important people soon. It´s been great talking to you. We´ll have to do it again and remember, phone anytime’

JC hugs Nick briefly then starts to walk away and Nick watches, feeling as if the rug had just been pulled from under his feet. He just wishes he knows why.

~*~*~*~*~

Alone in his hotel room, Nick walks onto the balcony and settles into one of the chairs. Behind him the TV plays to itself, some game-show host making bad jokes. Nick hates the show, but leaves it to play on, preferring to hear lame gags and cheesy music than the silence that´s surrounded him for the last few hours. Nick´s bored; he doesn´t want to watch another movie and video games are no fun when you play on your own for the thousandth time. He´s tried to phone his friends, but no-one picked up. He´d like to think they´re all busy, but sitting with only his own thoughts for company he can´t help remembering how often they´re busy lately.

Head resting on one hand, Nick looks down at the traffic below, cars and people that look no bigger than ants. He watches for a while, feeling alone and cut off. Sometimes he regrets deciding to try the solo thing, especially when all the hangers-on melt away and he´s left to his own devises yet again. Like tonight, when all Nick wants to hear is a friendly voice, someone who knows him and not just his name.

Nick´s cell phone is on the table and he snatches it up, pressing speed-dial two before he can think about it. Brian´s answering service picks up and Nick has to stop himself from hurling his cell against the wall. Instead he drops it to the table and shifts in his chair, letting his head fall back so he can see the faint stars high above. Isolation weighs heavy on Nick´s shoulders, and he sighs quietly, resigned to another night alone.

Nick tries to remember the last time he was really happy, and remembers the time he spent with JC at the restaurant and the way they´d laughed and talked. Friends are in limited supply in Nick´s life just now, and on a whim he sits back up and grabs his cell yet again. JC´s number is programmed already and Nick starts to press the button, then stops as his finger brushes the keypad. What if they have nothing to say or JC´s doesn´t want to talk? It´s a risk, Nick´s been let down by too many people lately and he doesn´t know if he can take another brush off. But at the same time he needs a friendly ear, and JC can certainly provide that. If nothing else they can talk about how much it sucks to lose Joey. Not that Nick wants to admit his crush, but at this point the need for conversation outweighs any potential embarrassment.

Pushing the button, Nick hears the tinny ring and smiles when he hears JC´s voice, tone suspicious until Nick speaks, at which point he can practically visualise JC´s smile through the cell. JC´s pleased to hear from him. JC wants to talk to him. Nick knows he´s just made the right decision, something he still believes when he hangs up an hour later.

~*~*~*~

The noise of the crowd is still ringing in Nick´s ears as he walks off stage. Someone gestures for him to follow and he´s led back to his seat to watch the rest of the awards. Squirming, Nick tries to get comfortable, stretching his long legs as far as possible, but he still feels cramped and uncomfortable. Award shows hold no magic for him now, not like they once had. He still turns up to keep Backstreet in the public eye, and now of course to promote his own name, but that doesn´t detract from the fact that award shows are boring, though the surfboard awards the Teen Beat people have laid on are interesting.

Lost in his own thoughts about past surfing trips, Nick jumps a little when the crowd breaks into applause. JC, Justin and Chris are just walking onstage and Nick claps too. It´s the first time he´s seen JC since meeting him at the restaurant, though they´ve talked often on the phone, long conversations squashed into their working days. Seeing JC again is strange, and Nick uses the opportunity to unashamedly stare. The way JC smiles, the way he laughs and interacts with the others. As JC moves with his usual sleek grace, Nick can´t stop looking and hopes no camera is picking up his slack jawed expression.

JC is attractive, Nick can´t deny that. He´s also becoming a good friend and Nick knows it won´t take much for that friendship to develop into something more, to him at least. The problem is Nick doesn´t know if he wants more. He´s hesitant; real friends are hard to make in the industry and that´s not even thinking of the Joey thing. Because it would be a thing and Nick knows it. Joey was everything to JC and Nick doesn´t know if JC´s ready for someone to take that place.

The threesome leaves the stage and Nick half-heartedly watches the rest of the awards. He claps when he needs to, stands when others stand, but within seconds he´s forgotten what he´s just seen. Nick´s mind is full of JC, his smile, his walk, the sound of his voice on the phone. Nick´s falling fast and it´s scary, because as much as he´s longed for someone special, taking that last step to actually get him seems the hardest thing ever.

Later, once the awards are finished, Nick wanders backstage and looks for someone to chat to. Bypassing the media and journalists he stands in a corridor, watching as the rich and the beautiful walk past for their minutes in the spotlight. Focussed on a stacked blonde whose dress seems to be held up by magic, Nick staggers as someone grabs him round his middle. He smiles as Chris Kirkpatrick spins him around until they end up in the middle of the corridor, laughing as the crowd mutters and curses as they push past.

Carter! I thought I saw your ugly face in the audience. Didn´t know you were going to be here, and where´s the rest of the enemy?’

Doing the solo thing tonight, and talking about the enemy, where´s the rest of nsuck?’

They´re around, at least some of them are, give them a minute and they´ll turn up, can´t keep them away from my magnetic personality.’

More like they´re drawn by the sound of your shrieking voice, for someone so short you´ve got a big mouth.’

All the better for swallowing with.’ Chris leers and Nick rears back in mock fright. And I´m not short; it´s you who´s freakishly tall. Backstreet mutants the lot of you.’

About to reply, Nick snaps his mouth closed as JC walks up to him and Justin puts his hand over Chris´ mouth.’

You are so short, and stop ragging on Carter; you know he´s sensitive,’

Chris pulls Justin´s hand from his face and Nick decides to just watch the show instead of defending himself.

I knew you´d take his side. Look at you; you´re a freakishly tall mutant too. In fact you should have been in Backstreet, kept all the freaks in one place, though that would mean JC would have had to be there toono offence C. You could swap with Brian and Howie.’

Just because you have a thing for Howie.’

A thing for Howie, take that back you mutant Backstreet lover!’

Justin doesn´t reply, just pulls his hand free from Chris´ and starts to run, laughing as Chris chases him past groups of people who either laugh or mutter in disapproval.

Ever get the feeling that you have to be insane to be in a boyband?’ JC sounds amused so Nick indicates Chris and Justin who are scuffling on the floor.

Can´t see any of my boys there. Maybe you have to be insane to be in your lot, but mine? We´re perfect.’

Yeah? What about the skirts?’

At least we didn´t have hair in braided pigtails.’

What about Howie? That boy´s had more bad hair than anyone has any right to.’

Two words for you. Bedazzled headscarves. We all know Justin wore them to hide that cotton candy he called hair.’

What about’ JC looks at Nick and grins. Okay, you win; no one can beat Justin´s hair back then. How about we leave these two clowns and go get something to eat?’

The offer´s tempting; the opportunity to talk face to face for a change is a hard one to give up. But as Nick looks at JC, the way he´s smiling, just waiting for Nick to say yes, he knows he can´t go. It´s a step that he´s not willing to take, not yet anyway, because Nick knows he´s close to falling in love. JC has been tied in with Joey for so long that it was difficult to see him individually, and now that Nick does he knows just how special JC is. But JC wants friendship and Nick can´t take another bout of unrequited love. It sucked when he was younger, there´s no reason it won´t suck just as much now. It´s difficult to say no, but it´s the only thing he can do.

Can´t sorry. I have to go do some promos. I´ll phone later, okay?’ Not waiting to hear JC reply, Nick moves away and tries to forget how hurt he looked for the next few days.

~*~*~*~

Exhausted, Nick leans against a wall, watching as people scurry around. Promoting himself is hard, both physically and mentally. Sometimes, when he´s facing the press he just wants someone to have his back. Kevin to deflect difficult questions or Howie to give him a hug when he´s feeling tired and just wants to collapse in bed -- Nick misses them all. He loves his solo material, its fun to do things his way, but at the end of the day Nick´s been in a band so long it feels cold and lonely when he´s alone.

The Billboards are a big deal, and he´s pleased to have a presenting spot, but Nick admits to himself part of the draw was the fact JC would be there. They´ve talked more over the last few months. Long rambling conversations in semiprivate areas that last until they become sleepy or have to work. Nick knows more about JC now than he ever did, which is ironic as they still haven´t talked seriously face to face again.

Hey, Carter, they let you out again?’

Naw, just came to mingle with the little people for a while. Talking of which, isn´t your boy singing tonight?’

That´s what he says.’

Nick hides his smile. Chris´ tone is totally at odds to his words. He could pass for a proud parent, if a cute freakish-looking one.

I´m beginning to think you´re stalking me, Kirkpatrick. I know I didn´t see your name on the presenter list.’

That´s because it´s not there. I´m here to make sure the infant doesn´t ruin our good name.’

Like Digital Getdown hasn´t done that already.’

Chris snorts a little, obviously divided about snarking about the song or defending his band mate. Hey, that song´s a masterpiece, and don´t think I didn´t see the homoerotic message in As Long As You Love Me, all that morphing into one another, if that wasn´t a shout out to sex I don´t know what is.’

Homoerotic messages!’ Nick shakes his head at the thought. You´re insane. Anyway, don´t you have a diva to baby-sit?’

He´s getting all prettied up, he doesn´t need me for a while. Anyway, I want to talk to you.’

Nick tenses as Chris turns serious. He can´t think of anything that he´s said to piss him off, and any rivalry between the bands was forgotten years before, even if Kevin, Chris and Lance like to practice their barbs at times. But Nick knows Chris pretty well now, and knows he might as well get it over with. Anything in particular?’

Just one thing really. Joey and JC, it´s over and has been for a while, despite what people might have thought.’

I know that.’

I know you do. I don´t think you´re taking it in though. They´re over. Joey´s with Kelly and JC´swell he´s with no-one. Don´t mess this up Carter. JC´s not the flake that some people see him as and I know you´re not stupid. Learn to see a good thing when it´s in front of you. He won´t ask you out again.’Chris lifts a hand as Nick tries to speak. Shush, we talk, okay. Like I was saying, I doubt he´ll ask again, so ask him this time. You´ll never get a better man, and for some unseen reason he likes you, so don´t fuck this up.’

Surprised at Chris´ words, Nick tries to gather his thoughts. You and him, did you.’

Naw, he´s not my type. Too skinny, plus I´ve got Justin.’

But Justin´s with Britney.’

I know. Like I said, don´t fuck this up. You might not get another chance.’ With that Chris gives Nick a quick hug and whispers, Don´t make my mistake and let imagined problems get in the way,’ Before he walks away.

Nick watches as Chris hurries towards Justin´s dressing room, then digs his cell phone from his pocket. There´s a good restaurant nearby, secluded and just perfect for a first date. As Nick dials the number he thinks maybe that first step isn´t as scary after all.

~*~*~*~

The grin hasn´t left Nick´s face in hours. As he runs off stage he smiles at everyone he passes, a huge sunny smile that no one can help responding to. The audience seems to like his music and Nick feels happier then he has for a long time. Sweat trickles down his neck, and Nick looks for a towel then laughs when Chris presents him with one.

You sure you´re not stalking me Kirkpatrick?’

If I was stalking someone it would be someone more interesting than you, Carter. Anyway, if I was stalking you that would mean I´d be stalking C too, being as you´re joined at the hip and all lately, and let me tell you I´ve seen enough of his kinky sex life without seeing him do the wild thing with you.’ Chris grabs Nick´s arm and pulls him toward a door. I´ll walk you to our dressing room, C´s waiting for you there, at least he will be once he gets that hicky covered over. Which reminds me, I´ve got a bone to pick with you. Marking him like that the night before Jingle Ball, are you nuts? No, don´t answer that, I know you´re nuts, you´re in Backstreet so it´s a given. Just don´t do it again.’

Chris pauses to take a breath so Nick takes his chance and buts in. Hey, Chris. I just want to say thanks for what you said. These last two weeks have been the best.’

No problem, anything to cement inter-band relationships. Plus, you´re good for him and he deserves that. But at this point I´m obliged to say that by the boyband code, if you hurt him I´ll track you down and castrate you with my bare hands. Understand?’

Understood.’

Good, now get in there and do what you do, just don´t muss him up, we have to present soon. Now, where´s Justin gone?’

With a last small smile, Chris runs away yelling at the top of his voice for Justin. Leaving him to it, Nick opens the door and goes inside. JC´s sitting on a couch; cross- legged with earphones in his ears as he signs piles of nsync pictures an open guide to Chautauqua used as a rest. They must be turned low as he pulls them out and pats the seat next to him. Here, come sit down and tell me how your song went. Did the cats dig it?’

They loved it.’ Nick sits down, automatically starting to sling his arm round JC´s shoulders before pulling back. Whoa, wait. I´m all damp and sweaty, let me get this off and get rubbed down.’

I can rub you down.’ JC licks his lips, movements suggestive and Nick feels himself start to harden before he looks away. I know you can, but I´ve has strict orders not to muss you up before you present. But can you hold that thought until tonight?’

I guess, but I´m not holding everything back, come here so I can kiss you.’

JC stares and all Nick can do is stare back as he comes closer, eyes unblinking until their faces are only inches apart. They seem to just look for minutes until JC runs his tongue gently across Nick´s bottom lip as he uses his hands to hold Nick still, fingers entwined in his hair. It´s impossible to move and Nick doesn´t want to as JC comes closer, pressing his lips against Nick´s own. JC´s lips are slightly dry and Nick runs his own tongue across them, soft slow laps that make JC shiver against him. Increasing the pressure Nick takes control, demanding entrance to JC´s mouth with his tongue. He slowly explores until JC is moaning into Nick´s mouth both of them on the verge of losing control, so Nick pulls back, kissing JC once more before sitting up and arranging his erection so it´s less painful in his pants.

We have to stop. You need to go watch Justin sing and then present.’

I know.’ JC sounds resigned. Look at me. It´s going to look like I´m aroused by Justin.’

Well, you´re the one that wears those tight pants. Now off you go before Chris comes to get you.’

You coming?’

After my shower, now go on.’

With a last kiss JC jumps to his feet, wincing a little when his pants pull tight. Waving he smiles once, a vision in odd clothes, swollen lips and an obvious erection and Nick thinks he´s never loved him more. Picking up a picture that JC left behind, Nick looks at JC and Joey, standing together as Lance, Chris and Justin stand to their side. They´ve talked about the Joey thing  all of it  and JC didn´t even laugh as he was told about cold lonely nights and Joey´s pictures in magazines, just commented that Joey is a fantastic guy and there was no wonder he had a crush. He did laugh when Nick bashfully told of seeing him blow Joey, then asked if Joey looked like he was enjoying it.

A muffled round of applause suggests Justin has just gone onstage, so Nick stands so he can change and watch JC present. Feeling foolish, he carefully touches the face of photo JC then places it back on the pile. He doesn´t need photos anymore. He has the real thing.


End file.
